Updated: Jan 9, 2022
I’ve had friends ask me what I was going to write about on the last day. If I already had it written. If I was going to reveal everyone’s real names…
Right or wrong, I’m approaching this last post just like I have all the others.
Sitting down at the computer…taking a deep breath…and letting whatever is in my heart spill out. Sure sometimes something would settle in and I’d know today what I wanted to write about tomorrow. I think on one or two occasions I was so moved by something that I sat down and wrote my blog the night before it was due. But that was rare.
When I first started, I kept a page of ideas and notes out of fear the day would come when I wouldn’t have anything to write about. When my heart wouldn’t have anything it wanted to share. I’m happy to report that day never came. Some days there was more to say than others, but each day there was something.
For 365 days I’ve shared my struggles…successes…fears…and dreams. I’ve exposed some of my darkest secrets and shined a light on some of my biggest hopes. When I started this journey, the goal was simple. Write every day for a year.
I’d read someplace that to be a writer, you had to write everyday. That it needed to be a part of who you are…a passion that drives you to do it, even when you might not want to. I thought I wanted to be a writer so I set the goal. And to make sure I didn’t shortcut myself, I decided to make it a public goal by posting each day to this blog.
Once I started, I realized I had a lot of shit I needed to say. There was so much I’d been carrying around in my heart…and for so long. Things I’d pushed down…or away…in an attempt to bury shame and turn a blind eye to the things I didn’t like about myself.
Those were some of the first things that bubbled to the surface. The very things I didn’t want to share were the words I needed to release most. And so I did. What did I have to lose?
I honestly didn’t think people would spend much time reading what I wrote. If they did, I thought it would be a novelty that would quickly wear off. Why would anyone want to listen to what I had to say?
And then I realized, people were reading…a lot of people were reading…and they could relate. So many messages from people – some I knew, some I didn’t – thanking me for sharing my soul. For putting a voice to what they were feeling. For letting them know they weren’t alone in their struggles. All the sudden, my blog wasn’t just about me. I was connecting to people.
Ahhhh, connection. We all crave it in some form or fashion. I know I craved it deeply, especially at first. Despite all the friends and family that surrounded me, I quickly opened my eyes to the fact that I was living a very lonely life. By my own doing, of course. I only allowed my connections with folks to go so deep. The few that I had let in deeply seemed to bring more pain than pleasure.
Gradually over time, though, I started to tear down those walls. Much of the demolition coincided with the removal of my masks…of letting go of personas. Stripping down to a much more authentic…raw…exposed…honest version of myself. Ironically, the more I let go…the more naked I got…the more comfortable I became in my own skin. The more confident I became in speaking my truth. The less I fell prey to the social pressures of doing what others tried to impose as “right”.
I had found my path…I had stepped into my truth.
I’m not the same person that logged her first post on Day 0, March 26, 2014. I thought about going back and reading all my old posts in preparation for this final one.
I mean, so much has happened that it’s hard to remember all the details. But I don’t really know that person anymore. I’m not connected to her. I feel like it would almost be like reading someone else’s words.
Plus, I don’t want to look backward. I spent a great deal of time purging when I started the blog…letting go of old shit…freeing myself of burdens that only weighed me down.
At some point, I felt the shift. My perspective moved from one of past reflection to being present and sometimes pondering the future.
When I started this journey, my dream was to find a partner. Someone that complimented me and challenged me. Someone that loved and supported me but also pushed me to continue growing. I wanted to find a man with some pretty specifics qualities….and I did.
I honestly thought that process would take the majority of the year. That a good many of my posts would be about my dating follies. But that wasn’t how it went down. Within days of posting what I was looking for, I met Mr. Universe. I guess I can say that the rest is history. We’re happily married with two puppies and a motorcycle. Living a life very much like what I dreamed…and wrote about.